Embrace, Not Brace

When counting my blessings, I have always included the close relationship I have with my parents. I am able to confide in them just about everything and I truly believe that the reason for this is because my parents are extremely good listeners and I am able to do just the same with their input as well. They also take everything I say seriously, whether it's a stupid question or a dumb mistake. And when I am unable to word what I really mean to say, they manage to pick it out anyway.

Developing such a relationship, took a lot of time and effort but it's never to late to start!

So parents, the problem that seems to curse most relationships, whether it be parental, conjugal, friendship, you name it! - is communication. And there's more to communication than awkward conversations, in fact, they don't have to be awkward at all of you approach this correctly!

You have to train your ears and your mind to be open to accept everything that is going on in their thoughts and their lives. Whether it is pleasant or not, you have to be willing to listen to what they are saying, even the gross stuff like sex or the more harrowing topics like drugs or mental disorders. If you show a sincere interest and concern, your child will be more open to expressing what they feel. The key here is to embrace and not to brace.

From a child's point of view you have to understand this, for most of our lives that we have lived so far, we have grown under the standards and ethics that you believe in and tried our best to live up to them. However, once we start to grow older and notice all the fine details that there are in this world, we are going to question whether your ethics are the right method of living for us. When we start to try to process our own way of living, sometimes we become apprehensive because we feel as if we are not meeting your expectations or you will not agree with us. Sometimes we become angry or bitter because we feel that we have missed opportunities because we have tried so hard to be the way we believe you want us to be. And the stupidest thing about this fear is that is also causes us to not want to talk to you about it because we feel that you might be upset, which is the last thing we want to deal with on the list of our daily hormonal distresses.

So establish this relationship as soon as possible or develop it now because it is never too late. And if you have not had this kind of relationship before, you are going to have to take baby steps. Listen to them when they are ranting, listen to all their minuscule details they give and give feedback. Let them know that you are listening!

Also, just a side note but here is something that parents I think do not realize and that I see in a lot of relationships with my friends and their parents. When we come and rant to you, we are going to say things that we do not mean and the last thing we want is for you to criticize us. Often we just need to get things off our chest and once we feel better, we are able to reason with ourselves and make more objective judgments. But if you really think that your kid is being blindingly subjective, all you need to do is what I like to call smoothing out the wrinkles. Here is an example that my parents use with my sister:

S: "I HATE MY TEACHER!"
M: "Oh my, what happened?"
S: "She like gave this freaking impossible test with all this crap on it that I DIDN'T learn and was SO NOT ready for! Can you believe her? She's a horrible teacher! I hate her so much!"
M: "Wow that sounds horrible! I cannot believe such people exist in this world!"
S: "I know? Can you believe it!? I FAILED because she's such a BAD TEACHER AND CAN'T TEACH FOR HER FREAKING LIFE! AAAUUGGHH!"
M: "Well, I should call the school and complain, maybe I will even get the teacher fired. If she is so incompetent that my baby can't even feel prepared for a test, well, she doesn't deserve to teach. She should lose her job and her income."
S: "Well. She's not that bad. She's just really boring and I can't stand listening to her without sleeping! And it's just the stuff is so hard and she doesn't teach it well."
M: "Really? Well that's a shame. And she doesn't even answer questions or give tutorials?"
S: "Well...she has tutorials, just not on the day of the test. And I just hate asking questions in class."
M: "Maybe you should try tutorials? You know and think of questions or things that you're confused about, I bet if you give her a chance, she'll answer it for you."
S: "I guess so..."

You see, right there my mom, the champion of smoothing out wrinkles, managed to get her point across without wording it herself and not deal with my sister directing her anger towards her which is what I'm sure a lot of parents have trouble with.

So parents, rule of thumb for today: Embrace do not brace! You have to have an open heart and mind to have an open relationship. And if you really feel that need to criticize, don't! Instead, smooth out the wrinkles, when we're pouring our hearts to you, all critiques feel like some sort of attack, especially after a bad day. Swallow your pride and just embrace it!

- DownXPourXOnXSociety … Continue

Defining stupidity - more important than you think

It's a fact of life that for the most part, teenagers are stupid and will always do stupid things. Our definition of "stupid," however, is usually more extreme than your version.

Parent's idea of stupid: doing drugs, speeding, hanging out past curfew (at least where I live)t, skipping class, and forgetting to turn in school assignments.

Our idea of stupid: bringing a homemade taser to school and shocking somebody with it, lighting a fire in the bathroom, and exploding firecrackers in the biology lab.

(These incidences have actually occurred at my school.)

See the difference? Your idea of stupid are actions we do that definitely hurt us. Our grades will suffer, we might get caught by the police, and we might overdose. You're concerned for our lives, and that's understandable, considering the kind of things we do. Even the most levelheaded of children will do stupid things (by parental standards). It's not that we don't understand it to be detrimental to our lives - sometimes we want to push a limit to get the adrenaline kick from it, or try out something new.

Our idea of stupid are actions we do that hurt others. It's okay if our classmates are sleeping in class or talking rudely to the teacher. But if they begin shocking people with tasers, it isn't about their selfishness causing a wreck on their lives anymore - it's ruining others'.

So why is clearly emphasizing a parent's and teenager's idea of stupidity important?

It explains why we sometimes think your punishments are injust, even if you think they're reasonable. Getting grounded for missing assignments? We won't stop whining until you add another week to our punishment. Getting our phone taken away for speeding? It'll embitter us for the rest of our teenage lives.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't punish us at all for this sort of stupidity. Obviously, we need to learn quickly that skipping class will negatively affect our grades and the likelihood of getting into a good college - something more important than ever due to our economic crisis. But this isn't something that merits two months of grounding. A warning that if we continue, we'll get our phone taken away should be good enough - it shows how serious you are without getting to the actual punishment part, and lets us see that there will definitely be consequences if we keep skipping. Just be sure to keep your word, or else we'll realize that we can weasel ourselves out of a mess. … Continue

Don't try to be the cool parent

Trying to be the cool parent is something I see a lot of adults do. They overextend themselves in their attempts to be a "hip mom/dad," which actually doesn't do much in terms of a good parent/teenager relationship. Just try to be yourself, because:

1. It's still your job to instill rules and guide us along the right path. Being "cool" is not necessarily part of this.

2. You're our parent. We'll always be embarrassed by you no matter your personality - it's a fact of life.

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A few weeks ago, a bunch of my friends went out to eat at Friday's. We had a good time, but it was dampened by the fact that Elias's mom was there, trying to jump in all of our conversations and attempting slang. I appreciated her efforts to try to get close to us. I did not appreciate the fact that conversations often became extremely awkward every time she began talking, and that Elias, who is normally a very gregarious and funny person, spent most of his time half-cowering at the table corner, unwilling to speak in his parents' presence.

Elias: (looking at the menu, joking) I want a margarita.
Janie: (going along with the joke) Margarita's for the weak. Have some vodka.
Elias's mom: You know, I can actually get some for you. I always say that I'd rather Elias's buddies drink where there are adults rather than at some crazy weekend party, right? Right, Elias?
Elias: (stiff laughter)

Don't be Elias's mom. Values are always more important than seeming cool to a bunch of immature teenagers. … Continue

AP Tests

If your child isn't in AP classes right now, or your school doesn't offer them, right now you might want to consider taking AP tests.

An AP (Advanced Placement) test helps you get college credit. It goes over college material and deeper into the studies of classes your children are already taking - math, history, english, etc. Since we already know these basic subjects, it's a good idea to go ahead and buy a few AP test-prep books to prepare. The overall cost of studying and testing shouldn't be too extensive. Depending on circumstances and where you live, an AP test can cost about 50-100 dollars. That's mere pocket change when compared to the huge amounts of money college courses will cost, so it's still definitely worth taking the test.

The test is graded on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. A few colleges still accept scores of 3 to gain college credits, but more colleges are only accepting 4's and 5's now. Because the test is graded on a national curve, it's entirely possible that your child can get a score of 60% correct on multiple choice and do averagely well on an essay, but still get a solid 4.

I highly suggest encouraging your teen to take a few tests in the subject areas that they're good in, for the following reasons:

1. The money you save will reach into the thousands. One girl at my school completed around 20 AP tests (all scores of 4's and 5's) and actually entered college as a sophomore. That's one year's worth of of tuition, boarding, and books her parents didn't have to pay for.

2. Getting college credit through AP tests will open up classes for your children in college. That way they can take courses they like instead of trudging through another exhausting year of math or history.

3. AP Test "season" is in May, right around when finals are. Preparation for the AP can also enhance studies for the school curriculum and might boost their score.

There may be a lot of hype about how scary and difficult the tests are, but as long as you're equipped with a good Kaplan or Princeton Review book, you should be fine. My grades in AP Human Geography my sophomore year weren't the prettiest things (mid 80's) but I got a 5 on the AP test after studying test-prep books religiously.

So go out today and talk to your child's counselor about the AP's. You won't regret it! … Continue

Self-esteem and grades

I have a really sweet friend that's an all-around "good girl". She's the kind of person I often aspire to be, and I look to her as a role model. A few days ago, she confided to me that she was really worried about her grades, her PSATs, etc. She didn't have too much confidence in herself as a person, and didn't seem to see the many good qualities that other people see in her.

A lot of her esteem issues stem from her parents' overbearing manner and extreme strictness with her schoolwork. It's always a good thing to keep tabs on your children and keep them on the right track on grades, but when you overdo it, it may cause them to lose confidence. They'll get the idea that you don't trust them with anything and that they're not worth very much either.

I realize that when your child's grades seem to be slipping, and when they don't seem to have the perfect resume to get into top colleges, it's a reason to worry. But the best thing you can do at this time is to encourage them. Don't let your anger take you over and control your actions; instead, work together with your child to try and find a plan to help their grades improve.

For awhile, I myself didn't really have a good relationship with my dad because he often berated me on my Physics grade (he majored in Physics and has a Ph.D in Chemistry). I would snap back at him whenever he did so, and because of that, didn't want to ask him for help. If you approach your child with a worried but not angry attitude, it'll make it easier on us to work with you to find a way to improve our grades.

Teachers often have morning and afternoon tutoring sessions, and other students are often willing to help a friend. You can give them advice yourself, if the problems are in your area of expertise. … Continue